conversations

nobody@vox.com(Cat) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 14:07:53 +1000

I had this conversation with my husband last night

Me - Why did you open the new milk when there was still some left in the other one?

He - I thought it was a bit off when I smelled it.

Me - Well why didn't you throw it away?

He - I thought it might've still been good enough for you.

I feel so special.

Don't-go-to-bed-mad_edited-

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

tradies

nobody@vox.com(Cat) — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 09:18:48 +1000

Well my husband - a tradie - has found this new quality magazine. It came free from the bottle shop. And the lovely girls on the front do a centrefold as well. In bikinis, holding very large power tools. I'm sure there are some kind of OH & S safety rules about that.

Tradies

Anyway it has a joke page - titled Laugh Till Ya Barf! - I told you it was quality.

A man escaped from prison after 15 years and broke into a house, but found a young couple in bed. He ordered the guy out of bed and tied him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed, kissed her neck and went to the bathroom. The husband turned to his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, do whatever he tells you. This guy is probably very dangerous. Be strong, honey, I love you."

"He wasn't kissing my neck," his wife replied. "He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!"

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

syndrome sick of it

nobody@vox.com(Cat) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 10:34:58 +1000

Thats what I'm suffering from.

Sick of everone I deal with thinking what they do is more important than what I want to do.

Lets take my daughters for example. Please, someone take them.

Lizzie. Sigh. I drive her to school in the mornings. I leave the house at 8.48am. Have for years. But lately she's decided to stroll out at 9am. When I say to her I really need to be gone by 8.48 she rolls her eyes and said whats it matter, that I'll just have ten minutes less to sit around and read a book in the afternoon. And I felt like going around and grabbing her ponytail and dragging her on to the footpath and giving her a good kicking. And telling her that I've spent the last twenty years raising children, working, keeping a marriage going and if I want to read a god damn book at lunch time I will.

And Kimba. Sigh. She's home at the moment and she's sick. And she storms around the house because she can't sleep so why should anyone else. She came into my bedroom at 1am the other night and whined about how sick she was and then yelled at me that I didn't care. Well, no, I don't actually because its 1am and anyway she'd been to the doctor and she was on antibiotics and painkillers and what else the hell was I meant to do about it. I mean I know she does have tonsilitis, pharyngytis, croup and bronchitis, but she's 20 for christs sake. Ok, that looks bad, but if she was well enough to go to the pub yesterday afternoon, how was I meant to know she meant it when she said she needed to go to the hospital last night.

And my husband. Who seems to forget everything I tell him within ten minutes. He's doing it at such an alarming rate that I'm starting to think he has early onset alzheimers. And thats just not going to work for me. I'll have to poison him or something. But really, it makes me feel as if everything I say must be as boring as bat shit. And at least I pretend to listen to his boring stories which are as boring as bat shit. Usually about fan motors, compressors, cars or football.

So yesterday I was down the shops and pissed off at everyone so I bought three books. And they weren't even on sale. Then I went to the bottle shop and bought a bottle of wine purely because I liked the label. Anything purple is like a magnet for me. And it was expensive but I thought, stuff it, they can all have toasted sandwiches for two weeks to cover the cost. I love that label and it didn't taste bad either.

Chardy

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Who let the dogs out

nobody@vox.com(Cat) — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 10:43:36 +1000

Someone has let their dog do a shit in our front yard. Right near the mail box. I had this conversation with my husband on Saturday.

Me - there's a dog shit in the yard, can you pick it up.

Him - I didn't do it.

Oh, really. Well I hadn't thought he had. But its an interesting image now I think about it. Disturbing really.

Now I'll have to write him a note about it and leave it in his tray. If he thinks I'm picking it up just because he bought me coffee he's kidding himself.

I just noticed my water bill has a charge on it of $18.48 for environmental improvement. Wonder what the hell that means. Haven't seen much of it going on.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

meter maid

nobody@vox.com(Cat) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 09:13:27 +1000

Energy Australia turned up at my place at 7.30 this morning. Because I'm special. Apparently we are single handedly destroying the environment. Our electricity bill is always so enormous that they are upgrading our meter to a smart meter. Although the man who installed it told me it doesn't really do anything and my bill may be harder to read. So that sounds good.

He told me not to use power between 2pm and 8pm as that is when they charge you the most. I already knew that but it doesn't seem to make much difference.

He then told me his bill each quarter was about $200. When I told him ours was about three times that he looked at me and said that if his bill was that high that -

My missus would be in a hole in the back yard.

As if she'd be the one racing around burning up power. Anyway she'd only be doing it to cook their food, wash and dry their clothes, clean their dishes, keep them cool.

The missus in this household is always the one walking around turning off lights, sitting in a hot house instead of running the A/C, not using the dryer unless essential, running the dishwasher out of peak times.

I don't know how we use so much bloody power. He laughed and said maybe we'd had a faulty meter all these years. Yes, wouldn't that be hilarious if we've been overcharged all these years. I can tell you I'll be inspecting my bill very carefully to check that out.

The way to a mans heart_edited-1

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

a womans mind

nobody@vox.com(Cat) — Sat, 17 May 2008 20:16:49 +1000

Magnified as well.

This was sent to me when I bought a collage sheet of old images. And yep, thats pretty much all that goes on in my head.

Puppies and babies, hats and dresses, men vying for my hand in marriage, chocolate and love letters. Actually I don't want anything to do with that nasty looking baby.

A-womans-mind

Now what was in that mans head I posted a while back. Hang on I'll find it. Oh yes thats right. Loose women and alcohol.

1918

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Thanks dear

nobody@vox.com(Cat) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 19:11:09 +1000

Daz came home from work today and said -

You look different today. You look really thin and young and trendy.

And I said -

You just better shut up right now.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

simple simon

nobody@vox.com(Cat) — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 16:28:51 +1000

Men.

Special aren't they? I think Bob summed it up nicely last night on The Biggest Loser when he said men were simple. I don't think he meant simple as in stupid. But thats how I like to interpret it. He said if a girl is ever going to win The Biggest Loser she has to think like a man. Because they keep their thinking simple.

Which brings us to my husband. He's spending a few days with Kimba. He rang and told me she had put a dye in her hair and she had stained her head (as you do when you dye your hair). He told me he had tried to clean it off with methylated spirits. Ok.

I ring Kimba and say - Don't ever let your father near your face with metho. She told me that she said to him - I don't think you should do that, I have sensitive skin. He said - That doesn't matter.

It reminded me of our neighbour. His daughters had head lice. He decided the best way to fix this was to wash their hair with turps. They all ended up at the hospital in the middle of the night because he got it in their ears. And I guess it hurt. Doh.

Oh well, I guess they'll laugh about it one day.

My-wife-made-me-join-a-brid

Read and post comments | Send to a friend