113 posts tagged “life”
I just noticed these photos were in my photos here but I thought I'd deleted them. However here is me with Jem before we went out on Saturday. As you can see my hair is in the interesting orange shades on its way to blonde but it's only had two hits of bleach so going well.
And this is probably what we looked like about ten minutes into that crap move The Happening and realised it may not have been such a great choice.
Every now and then Jem comes for a sleepover. We go to the movies then go out and eat and drink too much and talk and laugh a lot. And every time we go out we always see something strange and hilarious. Last time we saw a plastic shopping bag stuck to the road and it was slowly waving about and as we approached it we thought it was a dog that had been hit by a car and was in its final death throes and we were going to have to deal with it. Mind you that wouldn't have been hilarious. But when we crept up to it and saw it was a shopping bag, well we thought that was hysterical. This time of course the movie was the strange and hilarious thing we saw. Although we did see dying feather boa on the footpath. And a loaf of garlic bread sitting on a park bench we considered hiding just in case we couldn't get a meal anywhere. But we had an enormous chicken snitzel and it was bloody good so we didn't need the garlic bread. And Kimba had said we were not in any way allowed to go to the pub that she goes to because you don't want your mum hanging around with you on a saturday night. So of course we went straight there. But she didn't really mind because I am the money tree apparently and bought her drinks. Then we had a laugh at a few strange people and I had to tell Jem to put her manners back in. Twice mind you because she's going deaf and talks really loudly. And she's really annoying because she's one of those people that as soon as you say - don't look now - turns immediately for a gawk. I wonder did anywhere else in the world see that australian interview where tom cruise told Peter to put his manners back in. Ahh good times.
I admire people who have the ability to stay cool under pressure. I like the way they don't let anything frazzle them. I don't really like dealing with them though when I'm doing the grocery shopping on a cold morning at 7.30am. Then I just want them to hurry the hell up.
I came across a girl like that this morning. She was working on the checkout at woolies. She was the only girl working at that time and there were three of us customers lined up waiting. I was number three of course. And as you do I peered in the other two trolleys and they were almost bloody full.
Anyway the girl was getting all set up for the day. So she counted her money out, really slowly and carefully. I thought for a moment she may actually go back and do it again. Just to be sure. Then she got a stack of plastic bags and put them on the hooks. Oops, they don't line up very well do they. Better just put them on a few at a time.
Then she had to put on her cap. They're having some promotional thing. So she put her cap on and fixed her fringe and fiddled about a bit. Hang on though, the velcro got caught in her ponytail. Better take the whole thing off, fix up the hair and start again.
At no time throughout this procedure was she at all concerned that we were all waiting and maybe might like to be somewhere else. Soon.
I myself am able to remain pretty cool so I managed to watch her without rolling my eyes or breathing out loudly like the women in front of me did a few times. I was expecting that we may still have to wait for The Very Important Person Who Holds The Key to come and do something before we got started. You know the one. She storms about woolies looking very important and busy but not really doing anything. Except when she has to take the key to one of the checkouts and do something Very Important with it. Our Very Important Person Who Holds The Key has a Very Important Looking Fringe to go with it. It gets a big roller put in it in the morning I think so it comes out and around like a verandah for her forehead.
Ah well what can you do but laugh.
Not too long ago the police came knocking at my door. (That sounds familiar).
They said to me
Is JD here? (he works with Daz)
I said
NO (oops, I didn't shout it, my finger just hit the caps key). I said
No, why, what'd he do?
And she told me. Which I thought was a bit strange. I thought they'd like to tell him first before they blabbed it all over town.
Apparently the police had received a phone call from The Concerned Citizen to say that he was driving to work and JD had overtaken him going 130 kilometres an hour. Twice he'd done it. Different days of course.
The first thing I thought (but didn't say) was
How fast was Concerned Citizen going himself for JD to have to go 130 to get past him? And how does he know JD was going that exact speed? And how reliable can the police judge this citizen to be?
So I had on my slightly concerned, this is a bit serious face and said to them
Have you seen what JD drives?
I mean its a transit van. It looks similar to something Postman Pat might like to drive. And the back of it is loaded with gas bottles and ladders and tools. If it ever gets anywhere near 130 kilometres an hour, well I want to see it happen.
Anyway, I told them exactly where he was, because it's always good for a laugh to get the cops onto him. I think when they saw the van they were a bit dubious. Pity they didn't take him out the road and make him crank the transit up just to see how fast it would go.
I hit the bottle today.
The bleach bottle that is.
I had my home hairdresser pay me a visit. As soon as she arrived I said
You've cut your hair
She said
Yeah - last sunday I drank a bottle of wine, then decided I'd cut my hair with the nail scissors.
Thats what I like to see in my hairdresser. Someone not afraid to take risks.
So I've taken another step on the road to blonde. And I'm starting to remember how cruel bleach can be to your hair. So I'm after the name of a really good shampoo and conditioner for bleached hair.
I'll just give you a brief description of my hair. On a good day.
OK - go to your kitchen pantry and get out a piece of steel wool or brillo or whatever you scour your saucepans with. Have a little feel of it. Then imagine thick masses of it. Now picture it after it has soaked in a bowl of bleach for a while. And thats my hair.
I have read that Tigi Bedhead Dumb Blonde is very good but I'm open to suggestions because I also read that mayonnaise was good. Tigi also have a shampoo called Thick Massive Hair which sums me up. (Well not necessarily me, but my hair).
So please anyone if you know of a conditioner or treatment that really works on thick, coarse, bleached, massive hair, I'd be very grateful.
This is the part where I was going to give you the recipe for Lizzie's Pig and Lard Muffins, but I can't find it. And I have spent the last hour re organising all my cookbooks in the process (sorry Oona - I shall let you know the minute I find it).
or old people at least.
Not sure if I've mentioned that Daz is a refrigeration and airconditioning mechanic. Last night at 9pm he had a phone call from this guy saying that his mothers airconditioner was making a terrible noise. He said they'd taken the fuse out and it was still making the noise. So Daz said - put the phone near it. He had a listen and told me he had never heard an airconditioner make a noise like it before. The guy said they could wait until morning but Daz said there was no way they'd be able to sleep with it.
So, off he goes. He said he arrived at the house and could hear this awful high pitched screeching noise. So he went in and went over to the airconditioner to have a look. Then he told them he knew what the problem was.
It was the clock radio alarm going off. It was sitting on a shelf under the airconditioner.
Oops, how embarrassing.
Then they asked him if he'd like to stay for coffee and biscuits.
He came home and said he hoped we never ended up like that.
Mind you he has been called out before because someone said their fridge wasn't working only to have to tell them it wasn't plugged in.
Energy Australia turned up at my place at 7.30 this morning. Because I'm special. Apparently we are single handedly destroying the environment. Our electricity bill is always so enormous that they are upgrading our meter to a smart meter. Although the man who installed it told me it doesn't really do anything and my bill may be harder to read. So that sounds good.
He told me not to use power between 2pm and 8pm as that is when they charge you the most. I already knew that but it doesn't seem to make much difference.
He then told me his bill each quarter was about $200. When I told him ours was about three times that he looked at me and said that if his bill was that high that -
My missus would be in a hole in the back yard.
As if she'd be the one racing around burning up power. Anyway she'd only be doing it to cook their food, wash and dry their clothes, clean their dishes, keep them cool.
The missus in this household is always the one walking around turning off lights, sitting in a hot house instead of running the A/C, not using the dryer unless essential, running the dishwasher out of peak times.
I don't know how we use so much bloody power. He laughed and said maybe we'd had a faulty meter all these years. Yes, wouldn't that be hilarious if we've been overcharged all these years. I can tell you I'll be inspecting my bill very carefully to check that out.
Today Operation Thunder Thighs began. I'm not trying to find some, rather prevent some from arriving.
It all started about a year ago.
My mother had two knee replacement operations and I went and stayed at their house to look after her. One of my jobs was to put on the compression stockings. And they aren't joking when they use the word compression. So she'd have a shower and stand in front of me. I'd kneel on the floor and wrestle the stockings onto her. After a few weeks doing this I could have killed a person with only my thumbs. It's a tough workout.
Anyway the point is, that one time while I was doing this, I glanced up at my mothers legs and thought -
wow - they sure are chunky thighs.
But it wasn't a huge shock as she's always had terrible legs.
However, last week I stepped out of the shower, bent down to dry my toes, glanced at my legs and thought -
OH MY GOD - those babies could turn into my mothers thighs.
They definitely have the potential. They're still slim, but I can see a similar shape emerging.
Lizzie is also going to begin Operation Thunder Thighs. I was going to say that at 16 she has different goals than me, but I don't think she has actually. I think we're both trying not to turn into our mother.
My friend Jem is going to start Operation Fat Guts. Thats because her mother looks like a ladybeetle. Or a bee. She has the tank middle and skinny legs.
Bloody mothers - pass on all their faulty genes - why can't they be perfect.
My parents between them have already warned me to look out for varicose veins, glaucoma, haemochromatosis and schizophrenia. And now they expect me to deal with fat thighs as well.
So basically the routine will just include more of what we should all be doing.
Less grog - I must say Four Corners scared me off binge drinking (almost) last night with the brain damage angle. Was much more frightening than ManWoman.
Less fat - twisties, chips and gravy, pastry - basically all the tasty stuff.
Less sugar - no actually I don't eat much sugar - that can stay.
More exercise - I'm excellent at making excuses to get out of exercise, so no more of that. Definitely more leg work.
I was going to take before and after photos but common sense prevailed. I did that once before. I had Daz take some polaroids of me in my undies and bra. I couldn't be bothered taking my jeans off so I just had them bunched around my ankles. So I told him to cut that out of the photo. But he didn't - he put them in and cut my head off instead.
I don't remember if I actually cried or not when I saw them but I knew they must be destroyed instantly. Do you know how hard it is to set a polaroid alight.
So here we go. Operation Thunder Thighs has officially begun.
It was a year ago that the Pasha Bulker came to town. An amazing sight. Quite a weekend. Washed right up on the beach. You can't imagine the amount of rain that came down in a 24 hour period. It was about this time I looked outside and decided it was time to get Lizzie out of school. Time to start gathering everyone. This photo is from The Newcastle Herald
We live in a flood zone so we spent Saturday night sitting up listening to the radio waiting to hear that the river had broken the bank. They said the SES would come door knocking if we had to evacuate. By midnight I'd had enough and went to bed. Kimba stormed in demanding to know - How could you sleep at such a time. But I was tired. And anyway I'd already packed my bag of important things like they suggested. I had in it Pink Teddy, Lulu and my book Teddy Edward Goes to The Seaside. Lizzie was fully dressed nicely with makeup on and hair done because she didn't want to turn up at the evacuation centre looking ordinary in her pyjamas.
I woke up every hour or so and put my foot out of bed and tapped it on the floor just to make sure there wasn't water there. But the banks held for us. Other areas were not so lucky. The area we live in was totally surrounded by water and we were isolated the next day. No getting in or out. The bread shop did mad business that day. All I could think was that it was like a Stephen King book and any moment now some evil army dudes were going to turn up and release a virus or something. But that didn't happen either.
These are the netball courts down the end of the road. So it was pretty deep.
When they said over the radio to pack a plastic bag with our important things in it I didn't even think of insurance papers and stuff like that. I did go around and take photos of all the tv's, cd's, computers and stuff. This is what I packed.
This is what Lizzie packed. The others didn't pack anything. Which just shows you how important 'stuff' is to people. They did put the playstation and the Xbox and games on top of the wardrobe though. Last time it flooded here in the 1950's the water only came halfway up the wall so they figured that'd be high enough.
Strange that we are having rain and wind again this week. People are a little nervous. But its only rain. Apparently the next flood will be between the 15th and 22 December. There's a guy in New Zealand who predicts these things very accurately. He said then the banks will break. So thats going to put a damper on christmas. Oh, lol excuse the pun.
According to my credit card statement I spent $267.00 at the local chicken shop. Thats on one visit. Maybe we had a party I forgot about. When I went and said to them - I love your chicken, but this isn't right, she gave me a credit note and said 'thank you for bringing it to our attention'. As if I wouldn't.
Then a cheque came in the mail. I looked in our sales but couldn't find the invoice. That usually means I've written it off because it's so old. So I looked in the file and there it was. These people were paying a $ 330.00 invoice I sent them in November 2004. There was a note with the cheque saying 'sorry for the late payment'. Why would you even bother after that amount of time. Daz thinks she may be having an Earl type experience.
The girl Kimba lives with, who shall be known as Riley, works as a barmaid to help pay her way through Uni. So on Sunday night the woman who owns the pub said to Kimba - 'why don't you come in to work with Riley and you can watch and learn and she can show you what goes on. A bit of work experience'. So Kimba said ok. Because with a bit of experience you can always pick up bar work.
So they're about two hours into the six hour shift when Riley starts feeling unwell. Then really unwell. And they decide she should go to hospital. So the guy in charge drives her to hospital. Which leaves Kimba in charge. So it's gone from work experience to running the pub. Go Kimba.
She told me that it's a good thing she's spent so much time in pubs over the last twelve months. Because she knew what someone wanted if they ordered a JD, or a schooner, or a middie. They seem to be the most popular sunday night drinks.
I have something purple. I don't know what the purple day is though and the link wouldn't work. But purple has always been my favourite colour so I'm there. Supporting it. I know it looks pink. But its purple.
