14 posts tagged “funnies”
This photo always gives me a laugh. Can't help feeling they could have worded it a little differently.
No idea where it is.
Well my husband - a tradie - has found this new quality magazine. It came free from the bottle shop. And the lovely girls on the front do a centrefold as well. In bikinis, holding very large power tools. I'm sure there are some kind of OH & S safety rules about that.
Anyway it has a joke page - titled Laugh Till Ya Barf! - I told you it was quality.
A man escaped from prison after 15 years and broke into a house, but found a young couple in bed. He ordered the guy out of bed and tied him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed, kissed her neck and went to the bathroom. The husband turned to his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, do whatever he tells you. This guy is probably very dangerous. Be strong, honey, I love you."
"He wasn't kissing my neck," his wife replied. "He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!"
A mass of messy documents I have. I save all sorts of odds and sodds and it's time for a massive cleanup.
So its time to slag the guys a bit today. Sorry guys. I'll just make fun of you then delete you. Sigh, if only that were possible.
Men are like ... Laxatives - They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like .. Blenders - You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Snowstorms - You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Three Men on a Hike
Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
And just so you guys don't get all sooky lala -
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
I went to school with a girl and her surname was White. She got married. Now her surname is Brown. That always makes me smirk. But Busch- Rash - too much. And as for Hardy-Harr - say no more.
And the one thats a bit hard to read is Traylor-Hooker
Over the years I've been a bit of a Madonna fan. And not usually for her music, but more for her attitude, versatility, work ethic, her ability to stay one step ahead. But something happened on Friday night that may have changed that a little.
I saw her being interviewed on telly and as soon as she sat down she turned all coy and said
Don't film my fat thighs
And I felt very disappointed that she said that. She should be saying
Make sure you get my thighs in the shot. I've worked hard to get these thighs so make sure you show them.
And anyway, doesn't she know there's nothing worse than a skinny chick going on about how fat she is.
Now she did say (after the reporter said - don't tell me you just said that), that she was proud of her thighs but the damage had been done.
Anyway it reminded me of a joke I heard.
A woman was granted a wish after releasing a genie from a bottle. He said to her
You can have one wish, what'll it be?
And the woman said
I'll have thin thighs thanks.
And the genie sighed and said
That is really selfish. Why don't you think of all the people suffering in the world?
So she said
Okay then, make it thin thighs for everyone
This made me laugh. Even though it shouldn't. And I like to think that women read this shit and thought to themselves 'fuck that mate', but just weren't living in the right times to actually say it. I'd just like to point out that I didn't underline those bits. It came to me that way. Lol.
A good wife knows her place - yeah, and it's not with that bastard!
NEW - Miracle Cure!
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your
actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness
and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular
doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you
want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.
However, White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant
or nursing should not use White Wine.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss
of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table
dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play
all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you
think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine is
a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may cause you
to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may cause you
to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may lead you
to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may make you
think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may create
the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may lead you
to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may be a
major factor in getting your ass kicked.
NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU
COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!
Coaches of football teams like to come up with some insane quotes throughout the season and I see that my coach - Matt Elliott of the Panthers is off to a good start. I found this on Rebecca Wilsons page in the Saturday Telegraph.
Penrith coach Matt Elliot came up with the quote of the year late this week before the rugby league season has even started.
Standing alongside his new captain Petro Civoniceva, Elliot said: "If the old adage is that a picture paints a thousand words, well Petro's actions paint 10 pictures" Civoniceva looked mystified.
Go the Panthers.
Nothing really strikes fear like the thought of going shopping for swimmers. I haven't bothered for years as the last time I did it was so traumatic I haven't been able to face the thought of it again. The change rooms had swinging doors like saloon doors that ended at my knees and showed my head. If I bent over to put the pants on my arse would've knocked the doors flying open. I had Lizzie gaurding them all the time yelling at her "don't you come in". It was a waste of time anyway as one glance in the mirror was enough to convince me that pale pink was definitely not my colour and when the hell did all that cellulite appear.
Anyway in my email clean out I found this one from my sister, sent ages ago but kept as a reminder that it's not just me.
This one came from a lady in England - (It is a true
story written by a lady to her friend after a swimsuit
shopping expedition).
"I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of
torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suite. When I
was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature
figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure, boned, trussed and
reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back
and uplift and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the
pre-pubescent girl with
a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman
has a choice: she can either front up at the maternity department and
try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus
who escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every
run-of-the-milldepartment store trying to make a sensible choice
from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent
rubber bands. What choice did I have?
I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered
the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the
stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was
developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a
slingshot, which give
the added bonus that if you managed
to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected
from shark attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking
a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I
fought my way into
the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap
in place, I gasped
in horror - my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I
found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to
find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra
cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her
chest like a speed
hump. I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the
mirror to take a
full view assessment. The bathing suit fitted all
right, but unfortunately, it only fitted those bits of me willing
to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top,
bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized
cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come
from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the
curtains. "Oh, there you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit. I
replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like
a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the
appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into
a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking
like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough
day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked
like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a
high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fitted....a two piece
affair with shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was
cheap, comfortable and
bulge friendly so I bought it. My ridiculous search
had a successful outcome.
When I got home, I found the label that said,
"Material will become
transparent in water."
I'm cleaning out my emails - hey I think that was on that list of 31 things I should be doing - and I have about a thousand email jokes from chezza. Keep em coming chezza.
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says,"Okay, Okay... How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says.
"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
